pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
A customer told me they were never coming back….
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??