pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
spicy snake
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave