PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
m’lady
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Not recommended for beginners.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.