Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

I triple waxed for this?

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

Animal poetry

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.