PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
This is me 🤣🤣
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
🙅🏻
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.