Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.