PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
You Might Also Like
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery