PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Girl, same.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything