PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
You Might Also Like
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.