PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My Plans 2020
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
“That’s what” – She
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?