*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there