Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

As a doctor, I can confirm

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Grandmother clock.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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