Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters