Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

This a good idea

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?