[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
