Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise