Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Self-cleaning conscience

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

this is the best day of my life

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow