Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “