Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!