Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
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I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*