Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You Might Also Like
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
This is me
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.