Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You Might Also Like
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”