Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

that lip filler tho

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?