Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

Arrest that man!

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*