Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

それは草

Digital security in Ancient Troy

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”