Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Can’t. About to go please some beans

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it