Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Revenge served cold

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

My guardian angel deserves a raise

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Botany good plants lately?