Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

this is literally a CIA plant

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Me buying fruit and veg

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them