[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time