Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

◾️

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”