Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
spicy snake
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”