Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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Its a hippotatomus
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS