Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!