Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
