Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.