Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My current situation
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!