prepare for carbonated trouble
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“No way.” -Jose
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.