prepare for carbonated trouble
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Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..