prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.