Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.