prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅