Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

I can’t wait!

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”