Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.