Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Hard not to take this personally
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
This has made my week.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”