Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug