“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
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[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie.
Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie??
5: Dreams come true.
cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain
candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit