@heymermaid

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

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@JustCallMeC_

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@Cpin42

[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea

@RodLacroix

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

@ElleOhHell

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

@jonnysun

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

@upidaisy

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

@The_JRM

5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie.

Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie??

5: Dreams come true.

@millercycle

[raining]

cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain

candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit