Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

All. The. Damn. Time.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.