Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you