Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.