Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Lmao

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Every BBC series about the universe.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Who knew!

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking