*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works