Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.