Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.