Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

what kind of cook setting is this??

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.