Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

Reporter: *ports again*

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.