[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.