Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Well, that should do it

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted