Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Ooops wrong house😂😜

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.