Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

titanic

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.