[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.