Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had my nails done!

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.