Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.