[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
You Might Also Like
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
so much to do
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.