Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
No regrets in 2018
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
is this meant to deter me
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’