Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

no one likes gloating

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.