Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.