Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
