“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.