Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.