Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.