Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Pigeon open mic night.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

sign of the times 🖊

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.