Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion