Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Only a mother’s love …

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.