Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

◾️